Everything is fine in my life but there comes a quiet moment when my heart starts to ache and I have to stop what I’m doing and figure out why. It’s only slight at first, but then more heavy, until I have to search out the source of its sadness.
Something lovelorn lies in me that I can’t put into words. I thought I was done being lovelorn. I’m over my last relationship, I practise forgiveness wherever I can but something else lies unresolved in my soul. It uncoils and wriggles and awakens me in the early hours. It urges me not to rest too long, to keep moving, keep pushing upward. There are so many places yet to go, to search for it – that thing, whatever it aches for. It’s pining for something, that’s for sure.
My heart knows things my mind doesn’t. It always has. It’s so much more psychic than my mind. Trouble is, it leaves my mind befuddled in trying to piece together the mystery. My heart speaks in art and music and poetry and delicate essences of intangible notions and I find myself, at times, besieged by emotions I have to untangle and comprehend. My mind is doing fine and then my heart unearths a sadness, like the ocean throwing up an old boat, empty of it’s captain, abandoned. Silently, it moans. What is it, Heart? How do I fix you? Where do you want me to go? What should I do next? I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to. Why are you still crying? Give me a clue as to what you’re searching for. Mind will always help you but Heart, you must first open up.
Art-making soothes the ache, just making big all-consuming art that swallows you whole. Many, many multiples of me in art form born of my hands, my perception, swooning colour and glorious space. This helps. Heart still smarts but is calmed and reassured by the release. It thanks my body for setting it free.
Another thing that heals the ache is performing on stage. Even though I never get past the nerves, there’s something about that sharing that is the most freeing exorcism. My heart is thumping a staccato but throughout it all my senses are in the moment and I feel alive. I’m left feeling so light. Especially when people laugh, oh, especially when they share the journey with me, and howl. My work here is done, I think. Tonight I will sleep well.
One other thing that calms Heart is playing the guitar. Simple shapes, and clumsy, as my fingers trip over the strings, but those quiet moments of spilled notes are solitary riches. A late night summer evening a song may will me to play. Sometimes, it could be first thing in the morning that I awake with the song that wills me. Playing music is like gentle waves of water running through you. It leads you to oneness, the bigger ocean. Soothing, like stroking a frightened snake until it’s calm again. I think that’s what Heart is asking for. More types of oneness. When Mind has taken over and led Soul all over the place and Heart has been ignored, it pipes up and steals Soul so Mind must obey because Heart knows best. Like a mother, it always knows best.
© N Nazir 2020