How to Make a Great Work of Art

First, you must cook up some fitting concept then decide on your medium. For example…

You may acquire a large blank canvas. Somewhere in the white expanse, smudge a thumb print of paint then declare it finished. Entitle the piece “Wanderer in a Sea of Fog.”

Get a large cardboard box. Rough it up a bit. Place it in the centre of the gallery space. Entitle the piece “Home Sweet Home.”

Bring your pet chinchilla (or chihuahua or cat or goat, etc.) to the gallery space and just hang out on the floor somewhere. If anyone asks, tell them you are doing a performance piece exploring the relationship between man and beast.

Hang a large curtain above an exit door somewhere in the gallery. Entitle the piece “The Final Curtain.”

Throw an inordinate amount of paint at an enormous canvas whilst paying no heed if it also goes all over the surrounding walls and ceiling. Call the piece “Chaos Theory.”

Acquire a large plastic blow-up animal, for example, a pig, and blow it up. Hang it suspended somewhere in the gallery space. Entitle the piece “The Physical Impossibility of Flight in the Mind of Someone at the Mercy of Gravity.” Underneath don’t write your name, write Damian Hirst.

Sit in the gallery space with your guitar and play as badly as you want for as long as you can with an empty cap placed somewhere in front of you. Do this earnestly and see if gallery visitors give you any money or come and watch assuming you are doing a performance piece. Do this until security moves you on. Even if the gallery disapprove, this makes the work more notorious, and in itself it becomes a protest piece against the elitist nature of the art world.

Failing the above, do a Banksy and bring in your own framed painting and hang it on an unsuspecting piece of wall until someone notices.

image from abcinflatables.co.uk

© N Nazir 2021

NaPoWriMo Prompt: to write a poem as a series of directions describing how to get to a particular place.

My poem is more a series of instructions advising the aspiring artist on how to create a great work of art.

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Darth Vader’s to-do list

  • Give your suit a steam clean (it’s due).
  • Try not to breathe so heavy on the phone. It freaks everyone out.
  • ABORT MISSION: Luke Skywalker will not join the dark side. Let it go already.
  • Visit Cybertron. You always wanted to. It seems like such a cool planet. Perhaps there they’ll accept you for who you are.
  • Do some yoga, you’re getting a bit creaky (maybe just try it without the cape next time).
  • Get a new face made. Current face freaks everyone out.
  • Don’t hug anyone (be proud, you’ve nailed that one).

  • NEW MISSION: Kill all the unicorns in the world. In fact, remove anything pastel from existence.
  • Practise self-love.
  • Perhaps change name. Daddy Velociraptor? No, too many syllables. Doctor Valour? No, no one’s going to buy that.
    Dave…?
Darth Vader rethinking his life choices

© N Nazir 2021

*I have nothing against unicorns or pastels. I was merely channelling Darth Vader.

NaPoWriMo Prompt: List Poem

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